In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
