Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
