Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize