dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
