I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
