She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
