i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize