I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
