I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
