Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
