Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I queefed so loud it echoed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
