I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize