why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
