dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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