you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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