i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize