my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
