Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
