I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
