he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
