I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you guys were way drunker than both of me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize