i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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