Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
All the doctor said was why
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
