The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
