"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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