I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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