It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
pray to the hookup gods
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
