i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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