see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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