So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
