I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
