The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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