Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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