At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
