she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is this like a preordered booty call?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
