Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
