I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
