Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
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