Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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