The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
