My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
