Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
