Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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