Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
