p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
