You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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