everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm at about main and main street
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
