just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
