This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
