and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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