jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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