R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
