It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
