i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
