You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
