I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
