You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
