I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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