matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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