she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
