Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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