I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize